Mentor/Coach Skills

Within the context of a youth-oriented, solution-focused approach, there are numerous skills that will help you as a mentor/coach. Perhaps the most important skill is your ability to present yourself as someone who is positive and truly interested in the adolescent. Showing interest includes consistency with what you say and do as well as a caring tone of voice. The following techniques will help you establish rapport and keep the youth on a positive path to change.

Active Listening
Listening is the most important approach you can use when working with any person, regardless of age. If you find yourself talking more than the adolescent is talking, then something is wrong. While there are times when you will be explaining a skill to a youth and do a lot of talking, it is generally best for the youth to be processing their thoughts verbally with guidance from you.

Active listening means that you are not doing something else (e.g., watching TV, playing video games, writing a letter) while listening to the youth and occasionally grunting “uh-huh.” Sometimes silence is an important part of active listening. It allows the youth space to talk. Allowing youth the time to talk without interruption can be quite beneficial. It is very easy to feel the need to interject or correct something the youth says, but just listening is often the best way to let them think out load.

There are approaches to active listening that help the youth know you really are listening:
• Paraphrasing – rephrasing what the adolescent has said assures him or her that you accurately heard what he or she said and helps the adolescent understand how others hear or understand them. Paraphrasing is especially helpful if you can paraphrase using the youth’s expressed sensory phrasing. People often use sensory words to explain themselves, such as see, hear, feel, smell, and taste, and they will often use similar sensory imaging throughout their talk. Using these words, a process often referred to as mirroring, in your paraphrase can enhance rapport and empathy.
o For example, the youth states, “My mother just doesn’t see it the way I do. She’s always telling me to look before I leap, but I’m not even sure what she means. I just can’t see a way to solve my problems.”
You paraphrase, “You just can’t see where your mother is coming from.” In this case, you could have said that the youth didn’t understand his mother, but using “see” allows you to show direct empathy by using the youth’s favored sensory language. It’s an unobtrusive way to connect. There is no need to overdo it and try to always mirror words or phrases, but occasionally using such language makes people feel you are listening and understand.

• Clarification – clarifying what the youth said can verify the accuracy of what you heard. This may be done in conjunction with a paraphrase by asking if what you heard was correct.
o For example, after a youth discusses his frustration with his teachers, you could both paraphrase and clarify by stating, “You don’t think that your teacher listens to you and that she tends to blame you for every problem in the classroom. Do I understand that right?”

• Reflection – rephrasing the stated emotion can enhance empathy and encourage further expression.
o For example, the youth says, “I am so mad at my dad. He never lets me do anything and is always on my back about some mistake I made!”
You reflect, “You’re really frustrated with the way your dad treats you.”

• Summarizing – briefly reviewing what you have discussed helps tie elements of the discussion together. This is especially helpful at the end of your session to help recall what was discussed and to set up plans.